Farewell to South Africa...

Although my departure from South Africa occurred a mere seven days ago, and for the past week I have slowly forced my conscious to accept the reality that I am back in the States (which way do I look when crossing the road again?), I still must pay tribute to the amazing country which I called home for this past year. A country that provided me with so many memories, so many lifelasting experiences, that to not provide such acknowledgment would be as insulting as a John McCain political ad (holy hell, how have you all dealt with this crap for the past 12 months?!).

With all that I have experienced in this past year, the only way I can properly summarize my quarter-life crisis is through the commemeration of all that I will miss from my time in South Africa (and of course those aspects of life that will be missed as much as a severe onset of … well… use your imagination). Thus, I leave you with my final South Africa blog. It’s been lekka bru!

What I Will Miss:

The Green Monster: Despite the countless dead batteries in the mornings, 1 fuel pump failure, a few broken shocks, and of course watching more powerful lawn mowers have their way with me, I will always miss my little green VW Chico. Good luck buddy. May you provide your next owner with as many “experiences” as you provided me.

My Boys: Although my recycling of friends throughout my year in South Africa would make any environmentalist proud, I ended my time in Cape Town with some amazing friends with which I will stay in touch forever (stay in touch = occasionally stalk via Facebook)

Mercury Mondays: $0.75 beers, $1 jaeger bombs, nonstop hits from the 80s/90s (nothing like Rage Against The Machine to get you in the mood) and of course a crowd who's 'freedom of expression' would make every mother proud, Mercury Live will always be, hands down, my favorite bar in Cape Town.

The Lingo: “Howzit bru? Lekka jol last night! You end up mapping that kif panty? Me and the owes are gonna have a hectic braai tonight. I’ll tune you just now and let ya know if its sif or not. I’m gonna go score a loosie now. Shot bru.” (Translation = “Hi”)

Headlines: Although I never captured the infamous “Government to ban cell phone theft” headline (yes, it WAS an actual headline), I still will always miss the carefully-scripted banners, posted on every light post, electricity pole, and any other round, pole-like shape object throughout the city (still not sure what that dog turd ended up doing...).

The Scenery: All I can say is that when you start taking pictures like this for granted, you definitely have lived in a pretty damn scenic location. Thank goodness the Grand Canyon is only a 24 hour drive away...

Animals Mating: Given that my parents never decided to give me the “birds and the bees” speech, I unfortunately had to learn through African wildlife instead. Thus, I pay tribute to all those African animals who have helped guide me through the "ways of life" - Lions, Baboons, Vervet Monkeys, Zebras, Donkeys, Penguins, Turtles, Waterbuck, Impala, Wildebeest, Dragon Flies and Dung Beetles. Your mounting, thrusting, and soft grunts will always hold a place in my heart (and of course my videocamera).

The People: Taxi drivers on the roads, always open to share the stories of their lives, no matter how depressing they might be. Car guards on the sidewalks, constantly willing to help reteach me how to park, promising not to steal my car in exchange for two rand. Merchants at the market, always reminding that "touching is free" and "I give you good price, half off." All throughout South Africa, no matter how depressing or poverty stricken one's life might have been, almost all those with which I came into contact were such amazing people, always willing to help someone else in need before themselves.

Theo: Not only did my elderly Greek barber provide me with top quality haircuts for a mere $7, he also provided countless hours of entertainment, telling stories of “the way things used to be” and always having a smile on his face. And while we usually never understood one another’s accents, the topic of “weather” always brought us back on track.

The Gyrocopter: While I would have felt safer flying 1,000 feet above the air in a lawn chair tied to a balloon, my experiences on the Gyrocopter helped me fulfill a longlasting childhood dream of flying on top of Falcore, the friendliest/furriest character ever invented.

The Big Guy: Constant innapropriate remarks about my hidden sexual adoration for "small black boys." Being sworn at in almost seven different African languages, usually in the presence of wife, friends, or complete strangers. Tricked into spending two painful months behind a computer, referred to as "My B*tch" while performing tasks a blind monkey could do in its sleep. And of course the constant reminder of how proud my parents must be of my aimless existance. How could I not miss one of my closest relatives in South Africa?! (Honestly though Jonathan, it was amazing getting to know you and Viv!)

Honorable Mention:
- The Food: Every meal an orgy in my mouth (always wanted to say that)
- The Chocolate: More mouth orgies
- The Orgies: Don't worry Mom, everyone was Jewish

What I will NOT miss:

Afrikaans: Not only did I fail to learn this “kitchen blend” of the Dutch language, I hope to never hear another “chhhh,” “achhh,” or any other word that is pronounced in such a mind-numbing, throat-mutilating manner again. Buy a donkey. ;)

Slow Internet: 8 hours to load a 25 second YouTube clip… no thanks

Thunda: Average wage of $3/hr (on a good night). Bright orange, holy-hell-why-is-he-wearing-that outfit. Being told by 1/2 of Cape Town to "go f*ck yourself." Oh Thunda... why did we ever part ways? (ok, maybe there were a FEW perks associated with the job...)

Delta Flights: Over the past 2 years, I have flown to and from South Africa 3 times on Delta, encompassing 24,000 miles of rude flight attendants, inedible food, and zero hours of entertainment thanks to three, yes THREE, broken movie screens. Note: Just go with the pic, it's the best I could do...

Well, I unfortunately must bid you all adieu (how is that still a saying?). I hope you all have enjoyed my year in South Africa as much as I have. And although my adventures in the Southern Hemisphere have come to an end, my new journey through unemployment has already commenced. Thus, I hope you all look forward to future updates on my life.

With no job, no car, and no sense of purpose, it’s gonna be one helluva ride! Til next time. ;)