After almost two weeks traveling around Southern Africa, I have come to a firm and concrete conclusion: I do not live in Africa. At least “real” Africa that is (Chelsea, don’t start gloating yet). With previous expeditions to Tanzania & Kenya, I already had come to the realization that the 1st world nature of Cape Town is quite a misrepresentation of Africa as a whole. Gourmet sushi dinners, properly paved highways, digestible food. These things just don’t exist outside of South Africa (unless you define sushi as a 3-day old fish hanging from a tetnus-infected hook). Life just isn’t the same. 1 question to 3 people will get you 7 different answers. Whatever is promised is usually the exact opposite of what is provided. And anytime something CAN go wrong, it sure as hell WILL.
Leonardo Dicaprio put it best in “Blood Diamond” with the description of: “T.I.A. – This is Africa.” And T.I.A. did we sure as hell experience.
Destination #1: Victoria Falls (Border of Zambia & Zimbabwe) – 2 Nights
Border Crossing: $135 Visa Fee – A bit overpriced given that our time spent in Zambia would only be for 2 days, but hey, its valid for three years! Anyone up for a trip in 2011?
Summary: Known as “The Smoke That Thunders,” Victoria Falls is arguably the largest waterfall in the world, creating a massive gap that separates the countries of Zimbabwe and Zambia (wow, that sentence definitely had 4th grade essay written all over it). Although we only had two days to spend in/around the Falls, we definitely managed to follow the theme of our trip and make the most of every second.
Highlights:
- The Falls – Upon arrival into Zambia, we immediately high-tailed over to Zimbabwe (known for better views), completely awestruck by the sheer size and power of the Falls (the ground was literally shaking below). While we could have prepared a bit more for our walk (within 5 minutes we were completely drenched from the monsoon-like rain rising from the mist), it was the perfect way to commence our journey. T.I.A. Factor: The Zimbabwean man that offered to trade Emily a wooden Rhino for her Converse shoes
- White Water Rafting the Zambezi – Known as one of the most “extreme” white water rafting experiences, our day in the Grade 5 Zambezi rapids was a bit tamer that expected (although still quite a ride). Given the fact that Brett and I were the ONLY ones paddling in our 8-man boat (Emily deserves an honorable mention for her efforts), our guide was forced to avoid more dangerous parts of the river since everyone else decided that proper rowing technique involved half-heartedly splashing the water with their paddles (imagine a baby in floaties smacking its hands into a pool). T.I.A. Factor #1: Free breakfast, lunch & dinner = Buy your own breakfast at the supermarket, half-lunch and no dinner. T.I.A. Factor #2: Not mentioning the need for shoes for the 45 degree, 1 hour hike up/down the side of the river along dangerously loose rocks (hello permanently cut feet)
- Trading $1 for a 100,000,000 Zimbabwean dollars (see picture below). T.I.A. Factor: Ummm… did you just read what I wrote?
- Bungee Jump – Although our jump was supposed to take place on my birthday on the 19th (would’ve made a great obituary if the rope had snapped), the bungee was unfortunately closed, thus delaying our 400 ft plummet until later the next week. Although the free fall was amazing, after about my 3rd rebound up my foot caught the rope, throwing me into an uncontrollable spin. Thus, for about 60 seconds I bounced up and down, spinning about 10 rotations a second, trying my hardest not to “chum” the water below me. T.I.A. Factor: Open 7 days a week = Open for a few hours whenever we feel like it
Destination #2: Botswana – 4 Nights
Border Crossing: River ferry that holds 4 cars, 1 semi, and about 200 closely crammed people (we figured the average semi takes at least a WEEK to make it across upon arrival to the border)
Summary: Basing itself on low-volume, high-price tourism, Botswana is probably the last place a backpacker should be traveling. Better known as the “France of Africa,” Botswana lures in more of the wealthy/snobbish travelers who are here to experience “Real Africa” (this involves flying into their $5,000/night all-inclusive luxury “hut”, equipped with 1 pair of khaki pants, 1 khaki shirt/vest with no less than 2,300 pockets, top-of-the-line camera that is fresh out of the box, and of course endless finance-related stories told so that all in screaming distance can hear). Even the locals didn’t pass the “friendliness meter” (complex algorithm that takes into account level of enthusiasm among workers, intensity of scowls, and of course # of children that wave when passed on the road). To say the least, I wasn’t the biggest fan of Botswana.
Highlights:
- Wildlife – Boasting one of the largest Delta’s in the world, as well as an incredible game park that comprises almost ½ the landmass of the country, you would think that Botswana is teeming with wildlife. And while you would be correct, unfortunately it is not the type of “wildlife” you travel across the world to see. Instead of elephants and giraffes and zebras grazing the countryside (as I initially envisioned and was promised by my guidebook), instead there were thousands upon thousands of… donkeys. Donkeys galore. Donkeys everywhere. On the road. In the bush. In the water. Everywhere. Burro after burro after burro. And where there weren’t donkeys, there were either cows or goats (Old McDonald would’ve had a field day here). Although we eventually DID see wildlife, it took us almost 4 days to track it down. T.I.A. Factor: Elephant = Donkey
- Mokoro Trip: Advertised as a day spent in the Okavango Delta, floating around in a shallow wooden boat, passing by Elephants & Hippos wading through the water, our day instead defined T.I.A. to the extreme. Instead of a full day on the water, we instead spent 4-hours driving to & from the Delta on a horribly bumpy dirt/sand road, 3-hours on a “game walk” (which of course had no game except for 2 lonely hippos & an old elephant footprint) and maybe 20-30 minutes tops in the Mokoro. And when we were ready for our day to be over, we were forced to sit on an island in “detention” for 90 minutes, since the guides wouldn’t let us leave until 3pm (even at 2:57pm the guide declared “no leave, three more minutes”). T.I.A. Factor: Please re-read above
- Drive From Hell x 2: After our initial 8-hour drive through the 600km of pothole infested roads from the Zambian border to the Delta, we were happy to say goodbye to highway driving, and welcome in several days spent slowly driving through the immense Chobe Game Park. However, after learning that our pre-calculated route was not possible due to its length (and that the only mid-way stop is either a 10-person restcamp that has been booked since 2001 or a $2000/night chalet), we were forced to retrace our steps, and do the drive all over again. T.I.A. Factor: I’m blaming this one on a poorly written Lonely Planet and a country that seems to hate anyone that doesn’t earn $1,000,000/year.
- Sunset Cruise: Although it took four days, we finally had our first successful event in Botswana! Alongside about 20-30 “Jerry’s” (our nickname for the 20-some geriatric companions), we floated on the Chobe River in a pontoon boat, passing by a tremendous amount of wildlife. Hippos relaxing in the water. Crocodiles sitting on shore. And hundreds upon hundreds of elephants wandering in/out of the river. T.I.A. Factor: Free Drinks = Not free drinks
Destination #3: Mozambique – 5 Nights
Border Crossing: Felt like we were signing our souls to the devil with the amount of paperwork we had to fill out. And the visas take up 2 pages of our passports! Greedy greedy country.
Summary: After saying farewell to Emily, Brett and I continued on to Mozambique, a Portuguese-speaking country along the Eastern coast of Africa (yes, I did say Portuguese-speaking… random). With over 1,500km of driving already under our belt, we decided to take it up a notch, and try fit in almost 2,500km in a period of just over 5 days. (Oh yeah, and there were no radio stations, our IPod connector broke, and we had 2 CD’s – “In My White T” is now officially engrained in my head).
Highlights:
- Cops: To say the cops in Mozambique are law-abiding is like arguing that Jews were blessed with small cute noses. After less than 30 minutes in Mozambique, we had already been pulled over, with a conversation going a little something like this (I excluded my attempts at arguing):
“Where are you going? Let me see your license. This isn’t international. Where is your international license? This is big problem. Let me see your insurance. No, where is your 3rd party insurance? You have big problem. Let me see your triangle? Your red triangle! Ok. Let me see registration? No, this is not your registration. Where is your registration? Oh no man. This is big big problem. You no have registration. No, that is not registration. This is big big fine. Ten thousand Meticash ($150). You have no Meticash? Oh no. This is Mozambique man. We pay in Meticash man. Maybe you pay me 1000 rand, and I no write a ticket (more innocent-sounding voice). You have no money? Oh no man. Big big problem. I write you a ticket (starts scribbling away). 100 rand? No, not enough man… maybe 300 rand better? 200 rand? Ok. No, don’t show the money! Keep in the car. Ok, thank you. Have a nice day (insert smile).
Although we were probably pulled over about 5-6 more times, we managed to talk our way out of the remainder of fines (aka bribes). It’s amazing how much more respect you get when you are “on our way to a Peace Corp conference to volunteer for the hospital.” : ) T.I.A. Factor: Ummm, maybe cops accepting bribes?
- Dhow Trip: I’ll make this one short. Two hours on the boat, 5 hours of captivity on the island (we did snorkel which was surprisingly quite amazing, and lunch was probably our best meal of the trip). T.I.A. Factor: Dhow = Motorboat with makeshift sail that is only used for the last 20 minutes of our journey.
- Scuba Diving: With my PADI certification under my belt, I decided it was time to go for the real deal, and complete my first official dive. Traveling to Bazaruto Archipelego, Brett and I did two dives along 2-Mile Reef (known for a wide array of fish and plantlife). Although the visibility wasn’t great due to a storm from the night before, we did see hundreds of fish along the reef at about 70 feet under the surface. Schools of angelfish, triggerfish, parrotfish, grouper, butterfly fish and even a sea turtle swam around us during our dive. Although a bit of sea sickness ruined the end of the day, it still was a successful first dive. T.I.A. Factor: Full Day Dive does NOT include lunch
- Starvation: 2,500km of driving and we only managed to find 1 supermarket in all of southern Mozambique (which of course was closed). Thus, when not eating our pre-cooked hostel meals for dinner, we relied on plain loaves of bread, granola bars and bananas for sustenance (we never managed to track down any sugar cane that every 3rd person seemed to be chomping down on nonstop). T.I.A. Factor: I think you're getting the point by now
Onto the pics:
 | Just a small section of Vic Falls -- Mosi-oa-Tunya - "The Smoke That Thunders" |
| This is what a picture on a sunny day during a monsoon looks like |
 | Crossing over into one of the sketchier countries in the world (you can see the mist that drenched us behind me) |
 | Bungeeeeeeeeeeeeeee |
 | I'm rich! (until end of December that is) |
 | Our trustworthy 4x4 w/roof-top tents to protect us from the blood-curdling wildlife howls heard each night from only a few feet away |
 | Obviously we need an axe and a machete |
 | Crossing the border into Botswana... |
 | Random elephants strolling along the highway |
 | Practicing my mokoro poling skills (this was during our timeout/detention/recess) |
 | Botswana: A land where wood huts are not safe |
 | A Corolla definitely could've handled these roads... |
 | Coasting along the Chobe River on The "Jerry" Ride |
 | Elephants going at it |
 | Real-life Jungle Book |
 | Mozambique National Highway -- Putting I-75 potholes to shame |
 | Bazaruto Archipelego -- Paradise sans luxury |
