Visitors Round 3 - The Rents

30 days of visitors. 7 guests in total. Over 3,000KMs on the road. 4 flights. 3 safaris. 3 ascent’s of Table Mountain. And of course a laundry list of car problems (more to come in regards to this later). After 30 days of traveling around South Africa like a Zulu warrior on herbal crack, I have officially ended my month-long period of playing tour guide, and can finally settle back into my routine of life… well… whatever routine I can come up with that is (as I don’t think sleeping, eating and going to the gym is enough to comprise a full day’s effort).

With my parents comprising the last, but certainly not least, of my visitors during this month-long stretch, I ended my time of travel on a high note (this blog has to be a little sugar-coated, just so I don’t upset my dear worrisome Jewish mother back home). Although the drinking/partying of prior visits was all but eliminated, as were the comforts of sleeping in $10/night cockroach infested hostels, I did manage to have an amazing time with the rents, as we traveled around South Africa like wild banshees, seeing everything and anything this fine country has to offer.

Without further ado, onto the themes/highlights:

Trip Themes/Highlights:

- Bed & Breakfasts – To those of you who know my mother, it is more than obvious that our accommodation in South Africa would not even closely resemble the lodging I was so used to in my travels (Dirty sheets, dripping showers, incessant moanings of two horny hostelers going at it in the middle of the night – “Birds and Bees” to those conservatives in the group). Our stays instead would be in the confines of various Bed & Breakfasts, all offering the opportunity to sleep in luxury, while being surrounded by our friendly hosts, Mr. and Mrs. God Please Just Stop Talking For One Minute So I Can Eat My Damn Breakfast In Peace.

o B&B #1 (Hazyview): With two pleasant owners who felt the need to spend each waking moment depicting their entire life stories, I spent most of my time at this B&B avoiding all potential eye-contact, as this would involve having to tell my own life story (which at this point doesn’t receive rave reviews from most adults, after they learn of my nonexistent plans for the future – Just kidding Mom, I really do have a plan. I just keep forgetting what it is). My favorite moment of this B&B was probably the half-hour long discussion in regards to the thatch roof above our heads (you’d be amazed how long people can talk about thatch for). Rating: 3/10

o B&B #2 (Plettenberg Bay): As our host was an ex-adrenaline junkie who got his kicks from being a +60 year old bungee jumper, this B&B was by far my favorite (minus the 4 channel staticky TV who’s blown left speaker let out a small explosion every few seconds). Rating: 7/10

o B&B #3 (Calitzdorp): Ahh, my favorite! Located in the Port Wine Capital of the World (please, shoot me now), our final B&B offered the opportunity to sit around a nice large circular table, sharing dinner with ALL the guests staying that night (please, don’t stop shooting). Just imagine hushed whispered conversations, and the sound of silverware hitting the plates as the ONLY noises in the room (don’t stop shooting now, the fun’s just beginning!). Rating: Haha, almost

- Cape Argus – Although I would have loved to participate in the Cape Argus (the largest bike race in the world -- 35,000+ participants), I unfortunately have to blame an overall lack of fitness, desire, and of course a bike, as my reasoning for staying out of the race this year. However, the Soskolne family was well represented, as my Dad successfully completed the race in quite good time (take away pee breaks, stopping to admire the scenic views along the ride, and of course a 90-minute deep tissue massage, the race could’ve been his!). And while I would love to show off a picture of my Dad climbing one of the many grueling hills on the 109KM race, my two hours of waiting with camera in-hand were in vein, as I only managed to get an ass shot of my Dad instead (see below in pics).

- Green Monsters Inevitable Death – With 105,000KM under its belt, and a lifetime of experiences already in the past, the Green Monster finally gave in, and suffered its first loss of life. After a nice day of touring the winelands with the folks, our final stop for gas before departing back to Cape Town was the unavoidable killer. Stopping in the tiny, honky-dorry town of Grabouw (pronounced Chhhh-rrrr-bo), we were only a few hundred feet onto the highway before the Green Monster sputtered its last few breaths, dying from exhaustion in the 90 degree heat of the day. With no repair shop in site, we waited almost an hour, before being escorted back to Cape Town by our overly talkative tow truck driver (who maybe said 3.5 words the entire 60 minute journey -- Left? Here? Ok. Money). Not to worry though, one new $30 fuel pump later, the Green Monster is back in her prime, and ready for her next predestined meltdown (which would have happened quite soon as I just discovered my radiator has been functioning on about 7 drops of fluid).

- Wild Dogs – The rarest of all species at Kruger National Park, we were extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to see over a dozen wild dogs on our safari. One even did the patented face every dog makes when they go to the bathroom while you are watching (a general look of confusion mixed with a slight onset of stage-fright, all eliminated with a quick hop and trot away after completion)

- Speeding Ticket – Although I drove for the greater part of the trip, my Dad’s 15-20 minutes in the car managed to land him the only speeding ticket of our trip. Good work pops! I’m proud of you!

- Jay – Poor Jay. Poor poor Jay. The only way I can describe Jay is as the literal man slave of his wife. “Jay, come here.” “Jay, do this.” “Jay, do that.” “Jay, your sock is inside out.” (Yes, she even said this quite loudly/clearly in front of dozens at the airport). In a matter of about 10 minutes, I witnessed Jay do about 359 favors for his wife, all completed with zero hesitation, and almost zero emotion. More of the demeanor that screamed “Maybe I’ll do better next life.” I only knew Jay for a few minutes, but I will feel sorry for him for the rest of my life. Poor poor Jay.

Onto the pics:

	How cute... I raised them so well
	The fam + Mom's cousin (aka Gyrocopter/Neverending Story Dog pilot)
	Dad all geared up for the Cape Argus
	And there he goes...along with the two hours of my life staring through the lens of my camera
	One of the Argus cyclists
	Probably the best dressed cyclist of the day
	I think the perfect caption for this picture is "Well f*ck, what do we do now??"
	Elephant waving hello
	Some Lions we ran into (of course after tailing an official tour operator for 30 minutes as he appeared to 'know something')
	Dogs! (+ some extreme photoshopping action to make this picture visible)
	Lionness during our night ride

Visitors Round 2 - Shaina, Lang & Abbey

While I could begin this weeks blog by stating how absolutely exhausted I am from almost three straight weeks of non-stop guests (and their related on-the-go-every-minute-no-time-to-stop-for-anything-oh-my-god-can-we-fit-it-all-in activities), I unfortunately am unable to do so. With a 14+ hour sleep under my belt, and a day spent doing absolutely nothing (and I do mean, ABSOLUTELY nothing), I am fully recovered, and ready to recap the past 10 days that were... or was… (not sure what the proper grammar usage is here… maybe I should consult my amazing 570 GMAT score for help – yeah, I’m kinda a genius).

My most recent set of visitors, Shaina Newman (aka Shay Shay), Kristin Lang (aka Lang), and Abbey Gavrilla (aka Abbey Gavrilla), arrived on the 22nd of February, ready to partake in 8-9 days of South Africa’s finest: A self-drive safari in the ginormous Kruger National Park, an under 24-hour trip to the child-infested plains of Swaziland, and then of course random/various activities in and around the Mothercity of Cape Town.

Although we were all good friends or friends of friends in college, I never before had spent more than 12 consecutive hours with any one of these girls. Thus, when presented with the opportunity to spend over 200 NONSTOP hours alongside three women of whom I knew little of their “daily routines,” I was a bit overwhelmed at first. Would getting showered & ready take up almost half the day? Would shoes & clothes comprise the primary topics of discussion? Would “feminine product” preferences be a highly debated issue? Would releasing gas require a polite excusal from the room each time it was necessary (cause honestly, what else is a guy worried about when he is confined with three women in close quarters ?) ; )

Thankfully, for the most part, most of these questions could be answered with a nice and simple N-O. Due to the easygoing and anti-high maintenance nature of my visitors, getting ready was a whiz, shoes & clothes were only talked about when no other conversation could be delivered, “feminine products” were never brought up, and of course, gas was released with the utmost of ease (TMI? Nah…).

Without further delay, onto the trip themes/highlights:

Trip Themes/Highlights:

- Questions – Almost nonstop during the entire trip, I think I was offered the opportunity to answer almost 30,000 questions over the course of 8 days (which works out to about 156 questions an hour – the majority of which could be answered with “yes,” “no,” “I don’t know,” “ummmm, I don’t know,” “7” or “stop asking me questions”). Overall, my favorite questions were probably: Is this a two-lane road? Is that tree painted green? What elephant? (after I pointed out a 2-ton elephant standing literally 5 feet from our car)

- Big 5 Sightings – Within less than 24 hours on our safari, we managed to see all of the Big Five (most dangerous animals when initially wounded – I know, what a great way to develop a list): Lions, Leopards, Elephants, Rhinos & Water Buffalo. The scariest encounter of all (despite having each of these animals within petting distance from our car), was being surrounded by about 1,000 angry Water Buffalo, all glaring us down as we attempted to inch our way through their pack. I don’t think it has ever taken me so long to drive less than 50 feet (I’m guessing it took us almost an hour, having to stop every 2 feet each time a Buffalo started snorting and prepping to charge us). “Simmer down now.”

- Safari Flat Tire – Just before sunset, in the middle of nowhere on our 2nd day, we managed to lose the entire back-left tire of our trusty Toyota Corolla. After a loud whishing noise, a few KMs of the tire flapping along the underside of the car, it eventually dislodged itself, giving us free reign to more or less destroy the rim of our trusty Toyota Corolla (as that was all there was between our vehicle and the road below). Add to that having a cell phone with no service, and no way of seeing any living human before the morning, we were forced to drive on the bare rim for almost 11 km until reaching the main road before being rescued by park rangers. Good times!

- Swaziland – A land run by children & cows -- During our less-than-24 hour period in Swaziland, we managed to see almost 10,000 children running aimlessly through the streets, 1,000 or so cows begging to be hit by oncoming vehicles, and maybe 3-4 adults. I think we would’ve turned around if we had passed a single corn field, in fear of recreating Children of the Corn: African Edition.

- Teal–Colored Monkey Balls – What was God thinking?!? (The consistent theme of “balls” in general was quite prevalent with Lang, who only seemed interested in the balls of animals we saw – “Did you see that Elephant's balls?!”)

- Starvation – With hundreds of food options surrounding us during our trip, we somehow managed to delay almost every meal until the last possible moment, at which point our stomach’s began to eat themselves. Mmm mmmmmm.

- Carl – The random bar companion we met in Cape Town, who more or less taught us the necessities of life: Any person, no matter how big or small, can hold another person up, as long as they do it by their belt. Girls like riding mopeds & Harleys, although superbikes are WAY safer (due to about 245 separate reasons, all discussed in detail). When your fingers are intertwined in a certain way, it is almost impossible to move your ring fingers. To summarize, we loved Carl.

- LTBO - Long Term Body Odor – The innate ability to develop an extremely rank and heavy body odor, only created through an intentional avoidance of any showering or bathing in a 30-60 day period. Only multiple showers over the course of several days can help alter this extremely powerful scent.

- Assegai – Just kidding… well… kinda… it was mentioned on occassion

Onto the pics:

	The Crew -- I think Shaina & I were posing for the picture, but i have NO clue what Abbey and Lang were doing?
	Post wine tasting session in Paarl
	Some Rhinos at a waterhole in Kruger
	Female lion pride hunting in the early morning
	Spotted lion? (yes, its quite hard to make these animal captions entertaining)
	Oh those crazy monkeys!
	The aftermath of driving on a bare rim for over 10km
	The only part of Swaziland not infested with millions of random children
	Treating the girls to their first, true African Braii
	Watching a rugby match between South Africa and New Zealand