Farewell to South Africa...

Although my departure from South Africa occurred a mere seven days ago, and for the past week I have slowly forced my conscious to accept the reality that I am back in the States (which way do I look when crossing the road again?), I still must pay tribute to the amazing country which I called home for this past year. A country that provided me with so many memories, so many lifelasting experiences, that to not provide such acknowledgment would be as insulting as a John McCain political ad (holy hell, how have you all dealt with this crap for the past 12 months?!).

With all that I have experienced in this past year, the only way I can properly summarize my quarter-life crisis is through the commemeration of all that I will miss from my time in South Africa (and of course those aspects of life that will be missed as much as a severe onset of … well… use your imagination). Thus, I leave you with my final South Africa blog. It’s been lekka bru!

What I Will Miss:

The Green Monster: Despite the countless dead batteries in the mornings, 1 fuel pump failure, a few broken shocks, and of course watching more powerful lawn mowers have their way with me, I will always miss my little green VW Chico. Good luck buddy. May you provide your next owner with as many “experiences” as you provided me.

My Boys: Although my recycling of friends throughout my year in South Africa would make any environmentalist proud, I ended my time in Cape Town with some amazing friends with which I will stay in touch forever (stay in touch = occasionally stalk via Facebook)

Mercury Mondays: $0.75 beers, $1 jaeger bombs, nonstop hits from the 80s/90s (nothing like Rage Against The Machine to get you in the mood) and of course a crowd who's 'freedom of expression' would make every mother proud, Mercury Live will always be, hands down, my favorite bar in Cape Town.

The Lingo: “Howzit bru? Lekka jol last night! You end up mapping that kif panty? Me and the owes are gonna have a hectic braai tonight. I’ll tune you just now and let ya know if its sif or not. I’m gonna go score a loosie now. Shot bru.” (Translation = “Hi”)

Headlines: Although I never captured the infamous “Government to ban cell phone theft” headline (yes, it WAS an actual headline), I still will always miss the carefully-scripted banners, posted on every light post, electricity pole, and any other round, pole-like shape object throughout the city (still not sure what that dog turd ended up doing...).

The Scenery: All I can say is that when you start taking pictures like this for granted, you definitely have lived in a pretty damn scenic location. Thank goodness the Grand Canyon is only a 24 hour drive away...

Animals Mating: Given that my parents never decided to give me the “birds and the bees” speech, I unfortunately had to learn through African wildlife instead. Thus, I pay tribute to all those African animals who have helped guide me through the "ways of life" - Lions, Baboons, Vervet Monkeys, Zebras, Donkeys, Penguins, Turtles, Waterbuck, Impala, Wildebeest, Dragon Flies and Dung Beetles. Your mounting, thrusting, and soft grunts will always hold a place in my heart (and of course my videocamera).

The People: Taxi drivers on the roads, always open to share the stories of their lives, no matter how depressing they might be. Car guards on the sidewalks, constantly willing to help reteach me how to park, promising not to steal my car in exchange for two rand. Merchants at the market, always reminding that "touching is free" and "I give you good price, half off." All throughout South Africa, no matter how depressing or poverty stricken one's life might have been, almost all those with which I came into contact were such amazing people, always willing to help someone else in need before themselves.

Theo: Not only did my elderly Greek barber provide me with top quality haircuts for a mere $7, he also provided countless hours of entertainment, telling stories of “the way things used to be” and always having a smile on his face. And while we usually never understood one another’s accents, the topic of “weather” always brought us back on track.

The Gyrocopter: While I would have felt safer flying 1,000 feet above the air in a lawn chair tied to a balloon, my experiences on the Gyrocopter helped me fulfill a longlasting childhood dream of flying on top of Falcore, the friendliest/furriest character ever invented.

The Big Guy: Constant innapropriate remarks about my hidden sexual adoration for "small black boys." Being sworn at in almost seven different African languages, usually in the presence of wife, friends, or complete strangers. Tricked into spending two painful months behind a computer, referred to as "My B*tch" while performing tasks a blind monkey could do in its sleep. And of course the constant reminder of how proud my parents must be of my aimless existance. How could I not miss one of my closest relatives in South Africa?! (Honestly though Jonathan, it was amazing getting to know you and Viv!)

Honorable Mention:
- The Food: Every meal an orgy in my mouth (always wanted to say that)
- The Chocolate: More mouth orgies
- The Orgies: Don't worry Mom, everyone was Jewish

What I will NOT miss:

Afrikaans: Not only did I fail to learn this “kitchen blend” of the Dutch language, I hope to never hear another “chhhh,” “achhh,” or any other word that is pronounced in such a mind-numbing, throat-mutilating manner again. Buy a donkey. ;)

Slow Internet: 8 hours to load a 25 second YouTube clip… no thanks

Thunda: Average wage of $3/hr (on a good night). Bright orange, holy-hell-why-is-he-wearing-that outfit. Being told by 1/2 of Cape Town to "go f*ck yourself." Oh Thunda... why did we ever part ways? (ok, maybe there were a FEW perks associated with the job...)

Delta Flights: Over the past 2 years, I have flown to and from South Africa 3 times on Delta, encompassing 24,000 miles of rude flight attendants, inedible food, and zero hours of entertainment thanks to three, yes THREE, broken movie screens. Note: Just go with the pic, it's the best I could do...

Well, I unfortunately must bid you all adieu (how is that still a saying?). I hope you all have enjoyed my year in South Africa as much as I have. And although my adventures in the Southern Hemisphere have come to an end, my new journey through unemployment has already commenced. Thus, I hope you all look forward to future updates on my life.

With no job, no car, and no sense of purpose, it’s gonna be one helluva ride! Til next time. ;)

The Ultimate Road Trip: Wild Coast and Beyond

WARNING: Unlike my past blog, this blog contains humor, sarcasm, and a fair share of eccentric statements. If you are unprepared for this style of writing, and prefer my serious manner of blogging, please seek medical treatment immediately. If no physicians are located in the nearby vicinity, please concentrate deeply while reading the below quotation (this should help alleviate any symptoms of seriousness):

“Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.”- Jack Handey

With less than a month until my final departure from South Africa, and one of my longtime friends Jim Dailey (aka Jjjjjjjjjjjjjjim) in-town for a visit, I decided the perfect way to end my journey in South Africa would be with… well.. another journey in South Africa. Thus, after a week of showing Jim around Cape Town, we, as well as my friend Diaz (aka Diego the killer pimp), set off for my final Southern Africa road trip. Driving along the coast from Cape Town to Kruger National Park, our two week expedition was an amazing way to end my time here in South Africa.

Trip Themes/Highlights:

- Driving almost 3,000 miles in a period of 12 days, helping fulfill my goal of driving what has felt like the equivalent of the world’s circumference during my 12 months here in Africa (I think I’m actually closer to ½ the circumference = ~20,000KM).

- The Wild Coast / Transkei – Region of South Africa that truly represents “Africa”– Mud/thatch huts, women walking with baskets on their heads, poorly translated English signs that make little-to-no-sense, cows aimlessly wandering down the middle of the National Highway (aka one-lane pot-hole-filled road with countless stop signs) and of course amazing and untouched coastal scenery that would make any condo developer wet themselves in excitement.

o Hole In The Wall Hike – A four hour hike that probably was one of the highlights of my year in South Africa. Alongside our two trusty guides (2 border collies that decided to lead us on our path in exchange for a few bites of PB&J), we hiked along sheer cliffs, passing by village after village, until reaching our final destination of Hole in the Wall (see pic below).

o Attempting to speak Xhosa – The official language of the Transkei -- When letters become too much, clicks are the only appropriate filler. Our favorite word in Xhosa: Qwa Qwa = Click + Wa, Click + Wa

o Learning to surf – Thanks to an amazing 15 minute lesson from Diaz, both Jim and I managed to successfully surf some “wicked swells” that would even make Twiggy Baker squeamish (hopefully at least one person gets this reference to the world’s most famous surfer)

o The Irish Girls – While we couldn’t understand about 85% of what they said, the fact they laughed a lot and enjoyed our obsession with Paul Walker made them a blog-worthy highlight. “Owwer gayme of kehngs was thee craic!”

- Being EXTREEEEEEME! – This includes, but is not limited to the following: Scuba Diving with Sharks (~20 ragged tooth sharks were within a few feet of me), jumping the world’s highest gorge swing (333 ft), attempting to pose on every near-death-sheer-cliff we found and of course drinking Red Bulls while exclaiming “I’m so extreeeeeeme!”

- Our favorite words to repeat over and over throughout any given conversation: Nedbank, Oribi Gorge, Uzumbe, Gesluit, Macro, Coffee Bay (only allowed to be said in chant-like form) and Paul Walker (no explanation needed)

o The Ultimate Combo Sentence: That Nedbank sure did Gesluit my Oribi Gorge last night, but luckily I got to Macro Paul Walker’s Uzumbe at Coffee Bay! Coffee Bay! Coffee Bay! (yes Mom/Dad, your son is a little strange… just love and accept me)

- Stomping – When various aspects of T.I.A affected our journey (i.e. out-of-control riots shutting down the highway, inability to find food, driving endlessly down unmarked dirt roads), the only appropriate way to deal with the situation was through loud stomps with one’s foot onto whatever surface lay beneath (car floor, sidewalk, sand, grassy knoll). This immediately helped calm one’s frustration, as well as spark foot stomps from the other two in our group, in-turn producing laughter.

- Climbing to Tugela Falls – Although our hike to the 2nd highest waterfall in the world (aka a small puddle of pee that semi-drips about 3,110 ft to the ground below) was quite breathtaking, the fact that we had spent almost $75 to be led along a path as difficult to follow as a Taco Bell bathroom sign put a dampener on the day. However, add a little snow in Africa at the top of the Drakensberg Mountains, losing our tennis ball over the edge of the cliff, and of course several heart-to-hearts with our local guide Zee, and the day was a true success.

- My 5th visit to Kruger National Park – Although I have still failed to see Cheetah (as well as any Polar Bears mating with Llamas), I did finally witness my first kill… well, post-kill that is. While the picture below does better justice than my description, we spent about an hour watching a female lioness and her cubs gnaw away at a recently-deceased buffalo, all while vultures galore attempted to sneak up upon the buffalo to satisfy their own cravings (they didn’t even come close). Pretty much recreated what its like to get the “shaft” as a Discovery Channel videographer – “Bill, go videotape those Lions sleeping in the brush, and don’t come back until you capture something exciting and worthwhile.”

- Our final day:

o 5:30AM – Wake up

o 6:00AM – 11:00AM – Morning Game Drive at Kruger

o 11:00AM – 4:00PM – Drive 200 miles to Jo’Burg (includes avoiding out-of-control truck that came within 2 feet of making this blog an “after-life special”)

o 4:00PM – 5:00PM – Unsuccessfully search through about 1000 “unclaimed bags” at the airport in hopes of finding Lindsay’s lost bag from my past group of guests (includes finding an unclaimed anchor that someone had left behind… yes, an anchor)

o 5:30PM – 7:30PM – Fly to Cape Town (unable to sleep due to near comatose man’s elbow penetrating my kidney throughout entire flight)

o 7:30PM – 9:30PM - Eat/Shower/Change/Attempt to take a 15 second nap

o 9:30PM – 4:00AM – Mercury Monday – My final night at one of my favorite bars in Cape Town / South Africa / The World / The Universe

o 4:00AM – 4:03AM – Devour quite possibly my last late-night-drunken pie (I believe roasted chicken was the filler of choice this evening)

o 4:04AM - Sleep

Well, that about covers it. With my departure from South Africa only a few days away, I hope to have another “recap” blog before I leave. No promises however. With no flat, no car, and limited access to internet, my remaining time here in Cape Town involves a lot of walking, catching mini taxis, and chanting “USA! USA! USA!” whenever passing by a newspaper headline featuring Michael Phelps (most recent: “Phew, Phelps gets his 5th!”)

Onto the pics:

	Our loyal Nissan Tiida -- Keeping us safe despite its inability to stop at any speed over 50MPH without shaking violently
	Us and the Irish gals dominating the hoodies
	Surfing a KILLER wave
	Our two loyal companions along our Hole in the Wall hike
	Richness
	Oh my, how rich it is
	Please don't fall, please don't fall, please don't fall
	Yes, that IS a hole in the wall
	The only photo of my scuba dive with sharks... jim-scary
	Pretending to fly at Oribi Gorge
	Largest gorge swing in the world = I am extreme
	The OPPOSITE of quality
	i can see how "Dr Pixley Kaseme" is WAY easier to say than "West"... gotta love South Africa's obsession with ridding itself of "western" names
	Me and our tour guide Zee 3500 ft at the top of the Drakensberg Mountains
	This ladder was not fun to climb down
	A little rock climbing action at our backpackers (which ALSO had a hot tub!)
	Lionness and cub digging into some delicious water buffalo
	Two cubs playing
	Probably the two cutest kids in Africa