30 days of visitors. 7 guests in total. Over 3,000KMs on the road. 4 flights. 3 safaris. 3 ascent’s of Table Mountain. And of course a laundry list of car problems (more to come in regards to this later). After 30 days of traveling around South Africa like a Zulu warrior on herbal crack, I have officially ended my month-long period of playing tour guide, and can finally settle back into my routine of life… well… whatever routine I can come up with that is (as I don’t think sleeping, eating and going to the gym is enough to comprise a full day’s effort).
With my parents comprising the last, but certainly not least, of my visitors during this month-long stretch, I ended my time of travel on a high note (this blog has to be a little sugar-coated, just so I don’t upset my dear worrisome Jewish mother back home). Although the drinking/partying of prior visits was all but eliminated, as were the comforts of sleeping in $10/night cockroach infested hostels, I did manage to have an amazing time with the rents, as we traveled around South Africa like wild banshees, seeing everything and anything this fine country has to offer.
Without further ado, onto the themes/highlights:
Trip Themes/Highlights:
- Bed & Breakfasts – To those of you who know my mother, it is more than obvious that our accommodation in South Africa would not even closely resemble the lodging I was so used to in my travels (Dirty sheets, dripping showers, incessant moanings of two horny hostelers going at it in the middle of the night – “Birds and Bees” to those conservatives in the group). Our stays instead would be in the confines of various Bed & Breakfasts, all offering the opportunity to sleep in luxury, while being surrounded by our friendly hosts, Mr. and Mrs. God Please Just Stop Talking For One Minute So I Can Eat My Damn Breakfast In Peace.
o B&B #1 (Hazyview): With two pleasant owners who felt the need to spend each waking moment depicting their entire life stories, I spent most of my time at this B&B avoiding all potential eye-contact, as this would involve having to tell my own life story (which at this point doesn’t receive rave reviews from most adults, after they learn of my nonexistent plans for the future – Just kidding Mom, I really do have a plan. I just keep forgetting what it is). My favorite moment of this B&B was probably the half-hour long discussion in regards to the thatch roof above our heads (you’d be amazed how long people can talk about thatch for). Rating: 3/10
o B&B #2 (Plettenberg Bay): As our host was an ex-adrenaline junkie who got his kicks from being a +60 year old bungee jumper, this B&B was by far my favorite (minus the 4 channel staticky TV who’s blown left speaker let out a small explosion every few seconds). Rating: 7/10
o B&B #3 (Calitzdorp): Ahh, my favorite! Located in the Port Wine Capital of the World (please, shoot me now), our final B&B offered the opportunity to sit around a nice large circular table, sharing dinner with ALL the guests staying that night (please, don’t stop shooting). Just imagine hushed whispered conversations, and the sound of silverware hitting the plates as the ONLY noises in the room (don’t stop shooting now, the fun’s just beginning!). Rating: Haha, almost
- Cape Argus – Although I would have loved to participate in the Cape Argus (the largest bike race in the world -- 35,000+ participants), I unfortunately have to blame an overall lack of fitness, desire, and of course a bike, as my reasoning for staying out of the race this year. However, the Soskolne family was well represented, as my Dad successfully completed the race in quite good time (take away pee breaks, stopping to admire the scenic views along the ride, and of course a 90-minute deep tissue massage, the race could’ve been his!). And while I would love to show off a picture of my Dad climbing one of the many grueling hills on the 109KM race, my two hours of waiting with camera in-hand were in vein, as I only managed to get an ass shot of my Dad instead (see below in pics).
- Green Monsters Inevitable Death – With 105,000KM under its belt, and a lifetime of experiences already in the past, the Green Monster finally gave in, and suffered its first loss of life. After a nice day of touring the winelands with the folks, our final stop for gas before departing back to Cape Town was the unavoidable killer. Stopping in the tiny, honky-dorry town of Grabouw (pronounced Chhhh-rrrr-bo), we were only a few hundred feet onto the highway before the Green Monster sputtered its last few breaths, dying from exhaustion in the 90 degree heat of the day. With no repair shop in site, we waited almost an hour, before being escorted back to Cape Town by our overly talkative tow truck driver (who maybe said 3.5 words the entire 60 minute journey -- Left? Here? Ok. Money). Not to worry though, one new $30 fuel pump later, the Green Monster is back in her prime, and ready for her next predestined meltdown (which would have happened quite soon as I just discovered my radiator has been functioning on about 7 drops of fluid).
- Wild Dogs – The rarest of all species at Kruger National Park, we were extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to see over a dozen wild dogs on our safari. One even did the patented face every dog makes when they go to the bathroom while you are watching (a general look of confusion mixed with a slight onset of stage-fright, all eliminated with a quick hop and trot away after completion)
- Speeding Ticket – Although I drove for the greater part of the trip, my Dad’s 15-20 minutes in the car managed to land him the only speeding ticket of our trip. Good work pops! I’m proud of you!
- Jay – Poor Jay. Poor poor Jay. The only way I can describe Jay is as the literal man slave of his wife. “Jay, come here.” “Jay, do this.” “Jay, do that.” “Jay, your sock is inside out.” (Yes, she even said this quite loudly/clearly in front of dozens at the airport). In a matter of about 10 minutes, I witnessed Jay do about 359 favors for his wife, all completed with zero hesitation, and almost zero emotion. More of the demeanor that screamed “Maybe I’ll do better next life.” I only knew Jay for a few minutes, but I will feel sorry for him for the rest of my life. Poor poor Jay.
Onto the pics:
 | How cute... I raised them so well |
 | The fam + Mom's cousin (aka Gyrocopter/Neverending Story Dog pilot) |
 | Dad all geared up for the Cape Argus |
 | And there he goes...along with the two hours of my life staring through the lens of my camera |
 | One of the Argus cyclists |
 | Probably the best dressed cyclist of the day |
 | I think the perfect caption for this picture is "Well f*ck, what do we do now??" |
 | Elephant waving hello |
 | Some Lions we ran into (of course after tailing an official tour operator for 30 minutes as he appeared to 'know something') |
 | Dogs! (+ some extreme photoshopping action to make this picture visible) |
 | Lionness during our night ride |
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