There comes a point in everyone’s life when they must ask the inevitable, life-defining question: “Are people really going to keep reading my blog now that I am back in the US, even though I have no exciting adventures of which to speak each week?” While the majority of magic Eight Balls in the world are probably reading “don't count on it” at this very moment (besides that really old ball which can’t seem to catch the cube on anything legible), I shall continue to write on, until I come to my own self-realization that my life is… well… just not that exciting.
On the eve of my 3rd week anniversary back in the States, I am actually quite relieved that the transition into my “past life” has been fairly easy. With Nintendo Wii only 26.5 steps away from my bed, a cute little dog of which I have no responsibility over to play with at any moment, and of course countless friends with which to Gchat each day, I have been able to keep my mind off those things I miss back in Africa (Royal Oak really should invest in building a mountain, placing some sort of ocean a few blocks away, and maybe replacing the people with more Charlize Theron lookalikes)
With a to-do list that was a part-time job in itself, I eventually managed to whittle away the majority of items (fixing my garbage disposal was probably the most rewarding), and commenced my focus on rejoining the world of the working man. Without any true goal in mind in regards to potential jobs, I decided instead to “play the field,” and see what options were available to me. Should I rejoin the ranks of my past job, and continue on as a Healthcare Consultant, improving the efficiency of hospitals across the country? Or would my days be better spent delivering mail along a 12 block radius for the United States Postal Service, avoiding angry dogs and the potential onslaught of Mother Nature? Would the Assistant Management position at Little Caesar’s provide me with unlimited Hot N Ready’s, fulfilling a lifelong dream of my roommate Joe Stein. Or would my life feel more complete entering in mass amounts data for any of the 673 companies on Craigslist now hiring Data Entry Specialists at a staggering average rate of $0.50/hr?
No, instead my search took me elsewhere, pointing me in the direction of a career with as much future potential as an ex-Alaskan Beauty Queen with a bit of a dirty schoolteacher look to her (well, up until a few weeks ago that life had no potential). Yes, that is right. My search ended me at the job where it all started: Valet Parking Attendant. The job I took at age 16, driving other people’s cars when I, myself, was not tall enough to even drive my own (at least I was tall enough not to rely on the two pillows which helped me through my days at Drivers Ed). Yes, this was the job for me! Thus, after a few phone calls, a couple emails, I was on my way to St. John’s Hospital in Detroit, interviewing for the part-time position of Valet Parker.
To summarize my interview experience:
Manager: So tell me Mark, what qualifies you for this position?
Me 1 (What I ACTUALLY said): Well, as a very driven individual, I am not only experienced in this type of position, I am also very dependable, a hard worker, and very personable which I understand is an important attribute to have when dealing with clientele.
Me 2 (What I WANTED to say): Ummmm.. I valeted for six years… I think that’s kinda all ya need…
Manager: And what would you say your strengths are?
Me 1: Well, as mentioned before, I am dependable, hard working. I am very motivated, and always willing to take assignments to the next level. I am very sociable and personable, and work very well with others.
Me 2: Ummm, I can drive a car? And I valeted for SIX years… are we seriously still talking?
Manager: And your weaknesses? What would past employers say were some negatives?
Me 1: I am quite confident that while past employers would primarily have positive things to say in regards to my work ethic, they would most likely see my passion for perfection as a potential weakness.
Me 2: Ummm, I’m maybe TOO good at driving cars??
Manager: Ok, well we will have to get back to you
Me 1: Great, thank you so much for meeting with me.
Me 2: Ummm, seriously?? Do I need SEVEN years experience for this job?
And although I still have not received official word back of my potential employment at St. John’s Hospital, I have already decided to pass on the $7.50/hr with no benefits salary, as well as the bi-daily 50 minute bus ride which already has turned me off from the Detroit Public Transport system for life (if that mind-numbing noise wasn’t the back axle falling off, I don’t know what it was). Nevertheless, the search continues on (insert inspirational music… most likely from any given scene in an Indiana Jones movie once treasure has been obtained)
Aside from the job search, a few other semi-stimulating activities have fulfilled my hours:
- Kickball Tournament – With almost 400 days passed since my last kickball game (my only source of exercise pre-South Africa), I was more than excited to be able to partake in the Red Rubber Shootout. Joining 11 teammates representing Google of Ann Arbor, we successfully won all five of our games, officially providing me with my first ever co-ed kickball championship! Did you hear that Mom?! I’m a champion! A CHAAAAMPION!!!!
- Qdoba – My drought from Qdoba (and Mexican food as a whole) is officially over as of three hours ago, thanks to a delicious Chicken Ranchera Burrito with pico de gallo, a little bit of cheese and “that’s it” (aka lettuce to my server’s ears). I’m a champion Mom!! A CHAAAMPION!!!!
- Dentist Appt - Although it had only been a year since my last dentist appointment, and my brushing over this past year was on par with the best of them, my time in South Africa unfortunately provided me with my first ever cavity (make that two + three additional "watch spots")! Although I thought I could survive the deadly combination of non-flouride-filled water, and a severe addiction to South African candy, my mouth, which once was the poster child for dentists across the globe, is now its degenerate twin brother. I hang my head in shame...
Well, while I could go on in regards to the other activities that have filled my days over these past few weeks (e.g. riding my bike as I am too stubborn to buy a car in America's most unwalkable city), I instead will leave it at that.
Onto the pics:
 | I be done loving me some American culture (please ignore Canadian beer) |
 | Killing virtual animals, the ULTIMATE American experience |
 | I don't think I could adapt myself any better to American culture at this point |
 | Oh wait, I think I could... |
 | Practicing my Yoga balance on Nintendo Wii Fit -- Probably the best weight loss program since anorexia |
 | Who cares that I have no job?! I'm a Kickball Champion! |
 | My $13 Amtrak train from Royal Oak to Ann Arbor (I would've biked but this whole out-of-shape thing seems to be limiting that option) |
 | My unemployment friend/roommate Sadie (sold as a Lab/German Shepherd, born as a Beagle) |
